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Dear Job Talk Daily Readers,

I read that stupid blog Auntie Evan wrote about quitting gracefully. Whatever.

i quit

In case you do want the door to hit you in the ass on your way out, below are a few exit lines I have compiled for you, organized by various scenarios. And trust me, I’ve used a few of these on Auntie Evan. No, seriously—I’ve quit like four times. Now, understand, if you do this you need to have all of your sh-t boxed up and you have to be ready to go—and never come back. Not everyone is as forgiving as my dear Auntie.

Be warned: What you’re about to read gets increasingly offensive depending upon how hard you want that door to slam shut.

  • For when everyone in the office is meeting you for drinks later: “PEACE OUT, BITCHEZ!” (with three snaps up).
  • What everyone wishes they could say to their boss, and your coworkers are buying your drinks later: “It’s a good thing you can’t have any more children.”
  • To make sure that everyone actually gets to the bar later, to hear the story: “By the way, I slept with the boss’s husband (or wife).”
  • No one knew you were gay, and you want to find out who else is gay at the going-away party later: “By the way, Boss, your husband’s gay. I know. I sleep with him.”
  • You just really hate your boss, and you want everyone else to hate him too: “You know this is sexual harassment!” (delivered so even the mailroom hears you)
  • If you wanna be escorted out by security and your coworkers are not going to the bar with you later: “I KILL YOU!!”
  • If you want the police called (and you are okay with being behind bars): “I KILL YOU!” (with weapon in hand—#FloridaStyle.)
  • And as an absolute last resort—one that you can never come back from and you will simply lose all of your friends at the office (and never get your last check): “Damn Hebrews!”

i-quit

In closing, I leave you with the woman who is now my “Quitting Idol!”

 

Love,

Cousin Katie

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