Quitting Without Notice

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Dear Job Talk Daily Readers,

I read that stupid blog Auntie Evan wrote about quitting gracefully. Whatever.

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In case you do want the door to hit you in the ass on your way out, below are a few exit lines I have compiled for you, organized by various scenarios. And trust me, I’ve used a few of these on Auntie Evan. No, seriously—I’ve quit like four times. Now, understand, if you do this you need to have all of your sh-t boxed up and you have to be ready to go—and never come back. Not everyone is as forgiving as my dear Auntie.

Be warned: What you’re about to read gets increasingly offensive depending upon how hard you want that door to slam shut.

  • For when everyone in the office is meeting you for drinks later: “PEACE OUT, BITCHEZ!” (with three snaps up).
  • What everyone wishes they could say to their boss, and your coworkers are buying your drinks later: “It’s a good thing you can’t have any more children.”
  • To make sure that everyone actually gets to the bar later, to hear the story: “By the way, I slept with the boss’s husband (or wife).”
  • No one knew you were gay, and you want to find out who else is gay at the going-away party later: “By the way, Boss, your husband’s gay. I know. I sleep with him.”
  • You just really hate your boss, and you want everyone else to hate him too: “You know this is sexual harassment!” (delivered so even the mailroom hears you)
  • If you wanna be escorted out by security and your coworkers are not going to the bar with you later: “I KILL YOU!!”
  • If you want the police called (and you are okay with being behind bars): “I KILL YOU!” (with weapon in hand—#FloridaStyle.)
  • And as an absolute last resort—one that you can never come back from and you will simply lose all of your friends at the office (and never get your last check): “Damn Hebrews!”

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In closing, I leave you with the woman who is now my “Quitting Idol!”

 

Love,

Cousin Katie

IS YOUR NAME STOPPING EMPLOYERS FROM FINDING YOU?

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SHOW DATE: NOVEMBER 27, 2013

Don’t let your common name (ex. David Thomas) keep you invisible on social media.

Career Builder did a survey this year that found that 43% of hiring managers admit to researching high-ranking job candidates on LinkedIn and Facebook and other social media. And of course, having that common name makes you much harder to find.

There’s a simple solution. Make sure that when you register for a site like LinkedIn, the email address connected to the social media platform is the same email you have at the top of your resume.

A hiring manager can simply do a Google search on your email address and one of the first things to pop up will be your personal social media accounts. It’s a great way to stand out in the process.

ONE CRUCIAL TIP TO HELP YOU GET MORE JOB OFFERS

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Uncle David has gotten every job he has ever gone for, so when he gives job-hunting advice, you better listen up. Join us every week for Uncle David’s 100% Successful Job Hunting Tip.

SHOW DATE: NOVEMBER 13, 2013

When you’re sending your resume out, save all that pretty formatting—the boxes, the graphs, the shading—for the resume you print out and physically hand to employers.

When you send your resume out to large companies, or even a medium-sized one, they have something called the Applicant Tracking System (ATS). This is how HR manages the thousands of resumes they get.

This tracking system reads the resumes electronically—and all those little boxes and shadows and fancy lettering stop the program from properly reading your resume. This is a big reason you haven’t been getting as many job offers as you should be. The system just can’t process the awesomeness of your resume.

So here’s what you do: have two versions of your resume. One to physically give to someone in an interview, or to mail out, or to attach as a PDF. But then you’ve got your ATS-friendly resume.

If you have to upload your resume to a system, make sure you attach a version stripped of all the fancy formatting.

LIST PROMOTIONS AS SEPARATE JOBS ON YOUR RESUME

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Uncle David has gotten every job he has ever gone for, so when he gives job-hunting advice, you better listen up. Join us every week for Uncle David’s 100% Successful Job Hunting Tip.

SHOW DATE: NOVEMBER 6, 2013

This one’s short and simple.

Promotions are the first thing the interviewer looks for on your resume. So when you’ve been promoted on the job, don’t make the mistake so many others make and hide it.

What most people do is, under the name of the company they’ve worked at, they put their latest title, then a comma and finally their prior title, as such: Senior Account Manager, Account Manager.

What you’re doing there is hiding your promotion. So instead of bunching these positions, list them as separate jobs, each complete with their own dates and bullet points.

GAPS IN YOUR RESUME DON’T HAVE TO BE A BAD THING

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Uncle David has gotten every job he has ever gone for, so when he gives job-hunting advice, you better listen up. Join us every week for Uncle David’s 100% Successful Job Hunting Tip.

SHOW DATE: OCTOBER 23, 2013

Stop thinking the gaps in your resume are a bad thing.

Whether you’ve  recently been laid off or have been out on the prowl for months, what really matters to a new employer is not that you didn’t have a job, but what you did with your time while you were out of work.

Did you just sit around and watch Judge Judy all day long? That’s a problem—Judy’s going to cost you your next job.

So what do you do? Volunteer, go out, get active. Involve yourself with a nonprofit, or help homeless cats, or do what Auntie Evan did and start an organization that helps inner-city youth with their college essays.

Do anything, just don’t sit around and do nothing.

IF A FORMER JOB WANTS YOU BACK, ASK FOR MORE MONEY

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SHOW DATE: SEPTEMBER 16, 2013

A short while after you leave your job for good you get a call back from management asking you to rejoin the force.

What should you do? Don’t even think—negotiate for a higher salary.

Now you deserve it. Don’t do them any favors by accepting the same conditions that got you out of that nightmare in the first place. Playing the nice guy is the biggest mistake you can make now.

They’ve realized their blunder, they’re desperate and in a bind. It’s your opportunity to take advantage of this and up your income. Don’t let it fall through by playing it safe.

3 TIPS TO HELP YOU MASTER YOUR INBOX

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SHOW DATE: SEPTEMBER 11, 2013

Email is such a large chunk of your life these days that your inbox management skills can be a big factor in getting you a promotion.

Your employer needs to know that you’re at the top of your game, and being organized and efficient with your inbox is a great way to show off your know-how.

Here are three tips to help you (smartly) manage your inbox:

  1. Don’t answer emails immediately. You’ll look like the guy that has nothing better to do than stare at your inbox all day, desperately waiting for contact from the outside world. Conversely, you don’t want to wait forever. So you balance these two extremes by…
  2. Not answering email during you peak performance time. Don’t waste your most productive hours of the day ripping your hair out trying to answer every… damn… email. Pick a few times of the day where you hunker down and hole up in your virtual trenches, like noon, 2pm and 5pm, or 11am and 3pm, or whatever. Don’t let emails hijack your precious time and distract you from important projects when you got your A-game flowing. You don’t want to eat breakfast, drink your coffee, get pumped and excited for the day and then spend the next two hours answering email, crawling out of the ordeal exasperated and frustrated at the wasted time.
  3. If you get a lot of email, like, a lot, we’re talking 100+, don’t even try to go back into your inbox to answer yesterday’s emails. Let’s say you get 200 emails today and you try to get back to a few people tomorrow, only to be buried under and new batch of emails. Let people know that you’re not the kind of guy who sits around your inbox all day (this ties in nicely with the first point). Inform them that if you don’t get back to them within 24 hours, they should forward you their original emails. And if you say you’re going to get back to them, make sure you actually do so.

YOUR INTERVIEWER WILL LOVE YOU FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION

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SHOW DATE: SEPTEMBER 11, 2013

You send your resume out to dozens upon dozens of companies, to the far reaches of earth, utilizing myriad job boards and craigslist postings in the arduous process. So how the hell are you going to remember where you found a particular job when your interviewer brings up that all-too-common inquiry: “So, how’d you hear about our company?” “Um, Monster.com?”

Here’s the deal: answering this simple question can make your interviewer love you. And the great thing is, when was the last time you didn’t hear this question in an interview? (Also, unlike some dreaded, torturous questions, it’s pretty easy to answer.)

Don’t assume that the interviewer knows where you found the job. Usually, the person who sorts through incoming resumes is not the same person who does the interviews—often, it’s two completely separate processes.

Find a way to organize your job applications if you can’t recall where you found every job you applied for. Better yet, head over to our Tools page and check out JibberJobber, an excellent all-in-one job-search management tool.

You’re basically spitting in your interviewer’s face when you can’t remember where you found out about their company. They’re not going to sympathize with your intense, multitudinous job search efforts. All they’re going to be musing is, “This schmuck thinks our job isn’t important enough,” and, “If he’s way too disorganized to even have a functional job search process, he shouldn’t even be working here.”

It really stokes the interviewer’s ego when they hear you say not only where you found their listing, but how much you really liked the job description and how excited you were to apply for the job. Don’t lose their attention (and the job opportunity) by missing these crucial little details.